Never the same

I will never be the same after losing my mother. I was a completely different person before her death and a completely different person after. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to the person before her death but at that time I was only a child. I was only a teenager who's biggest problem was trying to get a boy to like me. I will never forget my mother and I will never forget what her death did to me. It absolutely destroyed me. I've never been the same happy go lucky person that I use to be. My heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. As I'm getting older in life I seem to be missing her more and more for big moments in my life. Everybody always says that "shes always with you" but she's not. There was a point in my life in which she was gone. That day was May 19th 2007. Over the past 8 years I have never felt her with me. I wish I could say that she was but she's not and that's the saddest part. I will never be over her death, I will continue to grieve until the very day that I die. It's going to be hard at some points following in my life and I wish I could say that I will have the strength but we will have to see when those moments get here.


Today's just one of those days...

Faking It

With the death of someone close to you comes an evil price to pay. One of those evil prices to pay is becoming really good at faking happiness. You start of showing your sadness for a short amount of time but then you have this feeling that you have to fake it. You start thinking about how depressing you've become to be around people and how you don't want to make those around you sad or make them constantly feel like they have to walk on egg shells around you. So the best thing you can do is to fake being happy. When you're out in public and around family and friends you throw on a fake smile and become cheerful but behind closed doors you're a broken mess.

I've become really good at this and I was truly an expert at it for about 6 years. Then I found what I believe is true happiness when I met my boyfriend. When we first started dating I had this scary feeling because I was finding out what it was like to be truly happy and I was starting to put my faking it behind me. I had someone to open up to without judgement, I could cry in front of him and he was okay with that. I was finally starting to become what everyone had always been around me. I was finally becoming me and who my mom wanted me to be.

I'm still incredibly happy to this day, the real happy, but there are still times occasionally when I find myself faking it and that's what scares me. I don't want to go back to those dark days when I had to lie and fake being happy around people.  

I think this is how my mom would want me to be. I think she would be so happy to see me the way I am now. I know that she has been looking down over me the past eight years and I know she was probably watching down and just begging for me to be happy. I think she would be proud of who I've become (but that's for another blog post!). I think that she is looking down on all of us and happy that Stephen, Dad and I are all at a good place and happy.