I can't believe it's been almost a year and a half since I've written in this blog! It's been a wild ride since the last time I wrote. To be honest the reason I stopped writing in the blog was because I was running out of topics to write on and life just got busy. (not that anyone is reading this blog anyways). Some big life changes have happened in the year, for one, Scott and I are officially engaged and planning our wedding!! Crazy right. I knew it would happen eventually but let me tell you he caught me off guard. I wasn't planning to be engaged until maybe next summer, but now we will be getting married next summer!!! So unbelievably crazy. Anyways, let's talk about this blog and life, things that have been going on.
I started this blog to help cope with my anxiety and depression. Which is why I stopped blogging a while ago, things seemed to get better for a while. I was living day to day, I was happy, things were falling into place in my life. Then the past few months happened. Nothing crazy or significant has happened to cause my depression to flare up again, but it did. See that's the thing about depression, we never know when it's going to flare up and make it's presence know. Along side the depression my anxiety has been through the roof. So my day to day life has been not as good as it used to be. I've decided that I need to come back to the blog. I have this way to express myself without being judged and worrying about what others think. It helps me get things off my chest and my mind. It's a way for me to cope. So for today's blog instead of just announcing (to myself) that' i'm back I want to talk about side effects.
I want to talk about the side effects of depression as well as anxiety. First let's talk about the depression side effects. To list a few, alcohol abuse, loss of appetite, loss of sleep (or to much sleep), decreased energy, suicidal thoughts, and difficulty remembering. Just to name a few. Lately, I've been experiencing all of the previous listed. The ones effecting me most are my memory loss and suicidal thoughts. Two of the worst probably listed. We have all these thoughts of "oh everyone would be better without me" "I'm not needed in this world" "I'm worthless" and those thoughts are so strong and taking over our mind that we forget all the positive and we have memory loss of all the good things going on in our lives. We forget to acknowledge the positive. The thing is with depression, we have a chemical imbalance in our brain, so do we actually think and believe these things? Most likely not, it's the depression in our brain telling us to think theses things. It's controlling us. My imbalance has been out of wack lately because it's causing me to have all these thoughts. I've tried fixing myself the past few months, but I have been unsuccessful. It's important to recognize when these things happen so we can get help. I'm finally going to get help for the first time in 5 years. If we don't pay close attention to that little brain of ours we won't be able to tell what's the imbalance and what's not. So it's important to always take the safest route and get help.
Now for side affects of anxiety, the most common being living in constant fear and worry. We live in this world now where people are getting shot up at public events and the world is just not the best place. So for me going out into public lately has been a challenge. I have this fear of going out to do something as simple as going to the grocery store. I have a panic attack thinking about going and getting robbed, shot up, kidnapped, raped. These are things that go through my head for something as as simple as going to the store. I have to work myself up to go to the store and sit there and tell myself that it's going to be okay. Anxiety side effects mixed with depression side effects don't really go well together.
I"m just hoping by going to the doctors in the next few weeks I can get myself some help because it's time to start looking out for myself and my health. I'm always helping others, which I don't have a problem with but it's time for me to take a second and help myself. Because if I can't help myself then I can't help others. One of my biggest goals in life is to help others so for a minute I need to take a break from that and focus on myself. I've become so focused on helping others in my life that I've lost control of my own and have been just standing by watching my own slip away.
Today I choose me.
No comments:
Post a Comment