Saturday, November 4, 2017
F.O.L
F.O.L. Fear of loss. This is a feeling I have struggled with for some time now. Ever since mom died I am convinced everyone around me is going to leave me or die. It's a serious fear and anxiety that I deal with everyday. I've lost so many people in my life whether it's family or friends it all hurts the same. I didn't stay in contact with my high school friends, I didn't stay in contact with a lot of my college friends or even family members. Granted this could all be fixed by me reaching out. But I have this fear that if I reach out and we reconnect I am going to have to lose them all over again. I can't bear to go through that pain all over again. It's the worst feeling losing someone who has not died because you know they're still here on this earth but ya'll have just faded out and let the friendship go. I hate the feeling, I hate losing my friends. The one whom I share all my deepest darkest secrets with, the ones who I open up my life and my feelings to. You get so comfortable with them and hang out with them all the time and then the next thing you know, poof they're gone. Everything you've shared and experience together just gone. All you have left to hold onto are the memories. I've lost a lot of friends in my life time and always right before I do or as I am I get this gut wrenching feeling that it's happening. My gut feeling is never wrong and I think it's happening to me right now. I'm not ready to lose this one. All I can do is make sure I don't let me gut feeling get in the way and try my best to overshadow the bad with good positive feelings.
Suicide
I've been putting this post off since the day that I started this blog. Since I'm lucky enough that no on reads this I'm free to truly put my feelings out there on this topic without having to worry about the repercussions.
Suicide, how often do I think about it? Every damn day. There have been periods of time in my life when I don't think about it everyday. Then there are periods of time when it's all day everyday and I can't get it out of my head.
The thought that always comes to my mind is that "I want to go and be with mom" that's all I want. I want to be with her. I don't care if it's in heaven or it's here on earth. I want to be with my best friend. Is that to much to ask for. I know that one day we will be reunited and I can't tell you when that day is going to come. I don't know what God's plans are for me. His plan was to take my mom to soon from me so who knows what his plans for me are. The real question here is why did God take my mom from me. What were his plans and his intentions. Was it to make me a stronger person (because look how far that's gotten me) was it to show me something in life, later in life? Who knows. I'll never really know until he sends me a sign. Is suicide that sign? Again, who really knows. There are different types of people who talk about suicide. There are the ones who will talk about and plan it all to get attention from their peers and never follow through, and then there actually those who go through with the act. Some days I don't know which one I am, let me disclose that I certainly am NOT doing it for attention but there are days when I plan it all out but get to scared to go through with it. Then some days I'm ready to go through with it and end it all. Those days are the darkest and the scariest. Those are the days when you really do need attention from everyone so they can convince you to stick around but at the same time what's the point anymore
What's the point of life? I mean we were brought on to this earth to just die? How much sense do that make. I mean what'really the point of life? Why do we spend all our time on earth working to make money, doing everything we can to please or family and friends. Like what's the point if in the end we all end up in a box under the dirt.
Do you know what the saddest thing is? When you're officially at a point in your life when you can't even cry anymore. The tears won't flow, you don't feel a thing anymore. That's the saddest and scariest thing I could probably write. Not that I contemplate suicide but that I don't feel anything anymore. I can't cry, I don't feel anything when I punch a wall. I don't feel anything when someone hurts me. It's just a wave that passes over me. I simply don't feel emotions anymore at this point. I may seem like I do when I look sad or mad, but let me tell you, inside, I don't feel a thing. So when you ask me what's wrong and I say nothing, believe me it's nothing, because I can't feel. I've had so many emotions already in my short lived life that I've run out. Happy, sad, angry, hurt, frustrated. It's all just a wave that goes right through me. It's like when you're standing in the ocean and a wave is rolling your way and you just stand there and let it crush you and pass right through you. That's how my emotions are at this point.
She was a beautiful soul and I just want to be reunited with that beautiful soul.
Suicide, how often do I think about it? Every damn day. There have been periods of time in my life when I don't think about it everyday. Then there are periods of time when it's all day everyday and I can't get it out of my head.
The thought that always comes to my mind is that "I want to go and be with mom" that's all I want. I want to be with her. I don't care if it's in heaven or it's here on earth. I want to be with my best friend. Is that to much to ask for. I know that one day we will be reunited and I can't tell you when that day is going to come. I don't know what God's plans are for me. His plan was to take my mom to soon from me so who knows what his plans for me are. The real question here is why did God take my mom from me. What were his plans and his intentions. Was it to make me a stronger person (because look how far that's gotten me) was it to show me something in life, later in life? Who knows. I'll never really know until he sends me a sign. Is suicide that sign? Again, who really knows. There are different types of people who talk about suicide. There are the ones who will talk about and plan it all to get attention from their peers and never follow through, and then there actually those who go through with the act. Some days I don't know which one I am, let me disclose that I certainly am NOT doing it for attention but there are days when I plan it all out but get to scared to go through with it. Then some days I'm ready to go through with it and end it all. Those days are the darkest and the scariest. Those are the days when you really do need attention from everyone so they can convince you to stick around but at the same time what's the point anymore
What's the point of life? I mean we were brought on to this earth to just die? How much sense do that make. I mean what'really the point of life? Why do we spend all our time on earth working to make money, doing everything we can to please or family and friends. Like what's the point if in the end we all end up in a box under the dirt.
Do you know what the saddest thing is? When you're officially at a point in your life when you can't even cry anymore. The tears won't flow, you don't feel a thing anymore. That's the saddest and scariest thing I could probably write. Not that I contemplate suicide but that I don't feel anything anymore. I can't cry, I don't feel anything when I punch a wall. I don't feel anything when someone hurts me. It's just a wave that passes over me. I simply don't feel emotions anymore at this point. I may seem like I do when I look sad or mad, but let me tell you, inside, I don't feel a thing. So when you ask me what's wrong and I say nothing, believe me it's nothing, because I can't feel. I've had so many emotions already in my short lived life that I've run out. Happy, sad, angry, hurt, frustrated. It's all just a wave that goes right through me. It's like when you're standing in the ocean and a wave is rolling your way and you just stand there and let it crush you and pass right through you. That's how my emotions are at this point.
She was a beautiful soul and I just want to be reunited with that beautiful soul.
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