F.O.L

F.O.L.    Fear of loss. This is a feeling I have struggled with for some time now. Ever since mom died I am convinced everyone around me is going to leave me or die. It's a serious fear and anxiety that I deal with everyday. I've lost so many people in my life whether it's family or friends it all hurts the same. I didn't stay in contact with my high school friends, I didn't stay in contact with a lot of my college friends or even family members. Granted this could all be fixed by me reaching out. But I have this fear that if I reach out and we reconnect I am going to have to lose them all over again. I can't bear to go through that pain all over again. It's the worst feeling losing someone who has not died because you know they're still here on this earth but ya'll have just faded out and let the friendship go. I hate the feeling, I hate losing my friends. The one whom I share all my deepest darkest secrets with, the ones who I open up my life and my feelings to. You get so comfortable with them and hang out with them all the time and then the next thing you know, poof they're gone. Everything you've shared and experience together just gone. All you have left to hold onto are the memories. I've lost a lot of friends in my life time and always right before I do or as I am I get this gut wrenching feeling that it's happening. My gut feeling is never wrong and I think it's happening to me right now. I'm not ready to lose this one. All I can do is make sure I don't let me gut feeling get in the way and try my best to overshadow the bad with good positive feelings.