F.O.L

F.O.L.    Fear of loss. This is a feeling I have struggled with for some time now. Ever since mom died I am convinced everyone around me is going to leave me or die. It's a serious fear and anxiety that I deal with everyday. I've lost so many people in my life whether it's family or friends it all hurts the same. I didn't stay in contact with my high school friends, I didn't stay in contact with a lot of my college friends or even family members. Granted this could all be fixed by me reaching out. But I have this fear that if I reach out and we reconnect I am going to have to lose them all over again. I can't bear to go through that pain all over again. It's the worst feeling losing someone who has not died because you know they're still here on this earth but ya'll have just faded out and let the friendship go. I hate the feeling, I hate losing my friends. The one whom I share all my deepest darkest secrets with, the ones who I open up my life and my feelings to. You get so comfortable with them and hang out with them all the time and then the next thing you know, poof they're gone. Everything you've shared and experience together just gone. All you have left to hold onto are the memories. I've lost a lot of friends in my life time and always right before I do or as I am I get this gut wrenching feeling that it's happening. My gut feeling is never wrong and I think it's happening to me right now. I'm not ready to lose this one. All I can do is make sure I don't let me gut feeling get in the way and try my best to overshadow the bad with good positive feelings.

Suicide

I've been putting this post off since the day that I started this blog. Since I'm lucky enough that no on reads this I'm free to truly put my feelings out there on this topic without having to worry about the repercussions.

Suicide, how often do I think about it? Every damn day. There have been periods of time in my life when I don't think about it everyday. Then there are periods of time when it's all day everyday and I can't get it out of my head.

The thought that always comes to my mind is that "I want to go and be with mom" that's all I want. I want to be with her. I don't care if it's in heaven or it's here on earth. I want to be with my best friend. Is that to much to ask for. I know that one day we will be reunited and I can't tell you when that day is going to come. I don't know what God's plans are for me. His plan was to take my mom to soon from me so who knows what his plans for me are. The real question here is why did God take my mom from me. What were his plans and his intentions. Was it to make me a stronger person (because look how far that's gotten me) was it to show me something in life, later in life? Who knows. I'll never really know until he sends me a sign. Is suicide that sign? Again, who really knows. There are different types of people who talk about suicide. There are the ones who will talk about and plan it all to get attention from their peers and never follow through, and then there actually those who go through with the act. Some days I don't know which one I am, let me disclose that I certainly am NOT doing it for attention but there are days when I plan it all out but get to scared to go through with it. Then some days I'm ready to go through with it and end it all. Those days are the darkest and the scariest. Those are the days when you really do need attention from everyone so they can convince you to stick around but at the same time what's the point anymore

What's the point of life? I mean we were brought on to this earth to just die? How much sense do that make. I mean what'really the point of life? Why do we spend all our time on earth working to make money, doing everything we can to please or family and friends. Like what's the point if in the end we all end up in a box under the dirt. 

Do you know what the saddest thing is? When you're officially at a point in your life when you can't even cry anymore. The tears won't flow, you don't feel a thing anymore. That's the saddest and scariest thing I could probably write. Not that I contemplate suicide but that I don't feel anything anymore. I can't cry, I don't feel anything when I punch a wall. I don't feel anything when someone hurts me. It's just a wave that passes over me. I simply don't feel emotions anymore at this point. I may seem like I do when I look sad or mad, but let me tell you, inside, I don't feel a thing. So when you ask me what's wrong and I say nothing, believe me it's nothing, because I can't feel. I've had so many emotions already in my short lived life that I've run out. Happy, sad, angry, hurt, frustrated. It's all just a wave that goes right through me. It's like when you're standing in the ocean and a wave is rolling your way and you just stand there and let it crush you and pass right through you. That's how my emotions are at this point.

She was a beautiful soul and I just want to be reunited with that beautiful soul.

Missing Pieces

When you lose someone and you're not expecting it you don't lose that person all at once, you lose them in pieces over a long period of time. Every time you experience a big moment in life you lose them all over again. Everyday I lose my mom all over again. I wake up and my heart breaks because I wake up and know she's gone. I've had to experience many significant life events without her here, I promise you it doesn't get easier. As life goes on the life accomplishments get more and more significant thus making those moments harder. I should be happy during those moments and accomplishments but I'm not. Some of the things I've had to experience with out her.

• My 16th birthday
• High School Graduation
• Getting accepted to college
• Moving into college freshmen year
• Meeting my boyfriend/future fiance 
• Graduating from college
• Getting my first out of college big kid job
• Getting engaged
• Planning my wedding
• Wedding dress shopping

These are just a few to name. The list goes on an on. Everyday I have something that happens where I just wish I could pick up the phone and call her and talk to her for advise, tell her I love her, ask how her days' going. On and on. Like I said the life events get more and more significant as time goes on.

To name a few she's going to miss as life goes on.

• Watching me walk down the aisle to marry my best friend
• Being there for the birth of my kids
• Being a grandmother and helping me raise my kids
• Holidays, birthdays, family vacations. 

Thinking about all the things she has missed out and is going to miss gives me the worst anxiety. I want her to be here for all these things and experience them along side me. What am I going to do when I'm freaking out on my wedding day and I need her advice to calm me down. What am I going to do when I'm raising my first child and I need her help or I'm tired and need her help. What am I supposed to do without my biggest support system.The worst part is that I know these were her biggest dreams. To see my fall in love, to raise a family, to be successful.  Believe me, I know that if I told anyone this they would say "well you've made it this far without her, you can handle it, just deal with it when the time comes" I've had plenty of people say this to me and don't get me wrong, I can handle it when the time comes. But me handling it is putting on a fake smile for everyone around me and then the second I am by myself behind closed doors I am breaking down. Most people have assumed that I have handled all these situations with such grace and dignity but they don't see the real me. Breaking down, crying myself to sleep for months. Cutting myself. Contemplating life. Punching walls. Screaming. No body see's the real me. And that's okay. Nobody needs to see the real me. All they need to see is fake happy me. I'm getting so far off topic here. 

Back to the topic I intended to write about. Every time I experience another piece of life without mom it gets a little harder to put my broken heart back together. Every day is another day without her and more miserable than the last. Like I've said before. Time does not heal wounds (hence the name of the blog). As time goes on things are going to get harder and the only thing that is going to help me get through these events is the support of my closest family and friends.

Oh, Hello -Side effects

Hello!

I can't believe it's been almost a year and a half since I've written in this blog! It's been a wild ride since the last time I wrote. To be honest the reason I stopped writing in the blog was because I was running out of topics to write on and life just got busy. (not that anyone is reading this blog anyways). Some big life changes have happened in the year, for one, Scott and I are officially engaged and planning our wedding!! Crazy right. I knew it would happen eventually but let me tell you he caught me off guard. I wasn't planning to be engaged until maybe next summer, but now we will be getting married next summer!!! So unbelievably crazy. Anyways, let's talk about this blog and life, things that have been going on.

I started this blog to help cope with my anxiety and depression. Which is why I stopped blogging a while ago, things seemed to get better for a while. I was living day to day, I was happy, things were falling into place in my life. Then the past few months happened. Nothing crazy or significant has happened to cause my depression to flare up again, but it did. See that's the thing about depression, we never know when it's going to flare up and make it's presence know. Along side the depression my anxiety has been through the roof. So my day to day life has been not as good as it used to be. I've decided that I need to come back to the blog. I have this way to express myself without being judged and worrying about what others think. It helps me get things off my chest and my mind. It's a way for me to cope. So for today's blog instead of just announcing (to myself) that' i'm back I want to talk about side effects. 

I want to talk about the side effects of depression as well as anxiety. First let's talk about the depression side effects. To list a few, alcohol abuse, loss of appetite, loss of sleep (or to much sleep), decreased energy, suicidal thoughts, and difficulty remembering. Just to name a few. Lately, I've been experiencing all of the previous listed. The ones effecting me most are my memory loss and suicidal thoughts. Two of the worst probably listed. We have all these thoughts of "oh everyone would be better without me" "I'm not needed in this world" "I'm worthless" and those thoughts are so strong and taking over our mind that we forget all the positive and we have memory loss of all the good things going on in our lives. We forget to acknowledge the positive. The thing is with depression, we have a chemical imbalance in our brain, so do we actually think and believe these things? Most likely not, it's the depression in our brain telling us to think theses things. It's controlling us. My imbalance has been out of wack lately because it's causing me to have all these thoughts. I've tried fixing myself the past few months, but I have been unsuccessful. It's important to recognize when these things happen so we can get help. I'm finally going to get help for the first time in 5 years. If we don't pay close attention to that little brain of ours we won't be able to tell what's the imbalance and what's not. So it's important to always take the safest route and get help.

Now for side affects of anxiety, the most common being living in constant fear and worry. We live in this world now where people are getting shot up at public events and the world is just not the best place. So for me going out into public lately has been a challenge. I have this fear of going out to do something as simple as going to the grocery store. I have a panic attack thinking about going and getting robbed, shot up, kidnapped, raped. These are things that go through my head for something as as simple as going to the store. I have to work myself up to go to the store and sit there and tell myself that it's going to be okay. Anxiety side effects mixed with depression side effects don't really go well together. 

I"m just hoping by going to the doctors in the next few weeks I can get myself some help because it's time to start looking out for myself and my health. I'm always helping others, which I don't have a problem with but it's time for me to take a second and help myself. Because if I can't help myself then I can't help others. One of my biggest goals in life is to help others so for a minute I need to take a break from that and focus on myself. I've become so focused on helping others in my life that I've lost control of my own and have been just standing by watching my own slip away.

Today I choose me. 

Sacrifice

Having to become an adult so quickly came with a lot of sacrifice. I had to miss all my homecomings, proms and sleep overs. I had to go from 15-30 in a matter of a few days. It was hard and no one will ever understand what that's really like. I missed out on most of my teenage years. I had to stay home not only because my dad made me but because I knew he needed me. I don't hold a grudge on him because of that. I was happy to stay at home and be there for him but it was upsetting at the time. I wanted to do all those things I missed out on but looking back they're not important. My sacrifices were worth the relationship that I now have with my dad. He's my best friend and my rock.

You Should Be Here

I heard this new song a few weeks ago by Cole Swindell. It's called You Should Be Here. It's a song about him losing his dad shortly after he signed his first record deal. The official video for it is heart wrenching. It had me thinking today about how I feel the same way he does. Both of our parents were taken to soon from us and we believe that they should be here. I wish my mom didn't have to miss all the big moments in my life. Since it is the new year the past week or so I have been reflecting on how this past year has gone for me. For the most part it has been pretty good. I got jobs subbing in the schools down in Nelsonville as well as here where I am now, Scott and I have moved to a new city, we've gotten a kitten, Scott got a steady job, we celebrated our two year anniversary of dating and our six years of friendship. I just wish she could be here for the all the milestones in my life. It's been a good year. I would be in a much better place if I could see your face.

Reflection

I was listening to the radio while driving to work the other day and I heard a new song. Part of the lyrics caught my attention and gave me the urge to reflect on it.


                            That guy in the windshield looking back looks just like me

But there's a crack in the reflection

Hope he's moving in the right direction.

Sometimes when I'm getting ready in the morning I look at myself in the mirror and wonder if this is who I really am. I tend to reflect upon who I use to be and who I am today. I think about how far I have come and how much I have changed in the years. When I was younger I use to be this super happy go lucky girl who didn't have a problem in the world, then when I hit middle school I started to become depressed for some reason and have all this angst against the world ( teenage years, am I right?). Then high school came around and well you know what happened then. I wish I could go back to when I was in elementary school and have that pure happiness and joy that I had. I know that everyone wishes they could have that again. Once that pureness is broken there becomes a crack in your reflection. It may be one crack or two cracks or more. When I lost mom my whole mirror shattered. You can never put it back together 100% and be perfect again but you can glue some of the pieces back together. It takes time but it's possible. I glued my mirror back together little by little. Once you are moving in the right direction you are able to do so.