Distance

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and I completely agree. I know it seems like my blog posts are just a lot of quotes that I seem to completely disagree with but it's my blog and I'm going to write what I want.

This quote though I actually believe in and have had some experience with absence. Obviously after mom died I immediately began appreciate what I had now that it was gone and longed to have it back. It was tough for the first few months because I dwelled on this quote all the time and just thought about how much I missed her and how much I would do anything to have her back.

 It was then after my freshmen year of college that my brother moved to Seattle when I had another experience with absence. My brother was always in the same state as me, when I was in high school he was off at college and that was tough but he at least came home sometimes or we could always drive down and visit him. When I realized that he was moving I knew that I wasn't going to see him as much anymore which really broke my heart, and unfortunately I still to this day am lucky if I get to see him once a year.

About a year or two after my brother left for Seattle my dad's plant that he worked at was closing and he ended up being transferred to a new plant in Kansas City. I felt like at this time I was losing a my family because I was the only one that was left here in Ohio. It was heartbreaking and I didn't really know how to handle it all. The one person that was my rock and that I could count and rely on was now gone as well.

Finally this past year my boyfriend got a job about an hour away from where we were currently living and he had to move home with his parents because it was only about 30 minutes away from his home. We were apart for about 3 months and those were some of the toughest months because I was so use to being with him everyday, but we made it work and made it through.


I've had to deal with a lot of permanent loss and temporary loss in my life and I will tell you that it does not get easier each time someone is gone. But I know that when they are gone I appreciate everything they have done for me in the past and makes them want them back that much more. I grow fonder of their qualities and our relationship.

Scars

Scar "A lingering sign of damage or injury, either mental or physical" 

Everybody has their scars both physical and emotional and I feel as though I have a few more than others, or I have different types of scars that those my age have yet to experience. I have many physical and emotional scars. 

Physical Scar “A mark left on the skin after a surface injury or wound has healed". These are the scars that I seem to have the least amount but trust me I still have many. I have daily scars from burning myself on the oven, I have a scar across my chest from cutting which at the time I thought no one would ever see from cutting  the type of scars that happened after mom died. Those scars are some of my biggest regrets. Luckily most of the scars have faded since they were not very deep cuts. Those were my biggest regrets. I was young, I was only 16 and I thought it was the only way that I could escape from the pain. It was a way for me to forget about losing my mom and focus on what was happening right now. I know that my mom would have been so disappointed in me if she ever would have found out, my dad would have been as well. To those who may still do that I urge you not to because what's worse than emotional scars is physical scars. Those you can see on your body from a moment to moment basis. Physical scars cause so much more pain with their constant reminders of the bad times. 

Emotional Scar also known as psychological trauma "a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a severely distressing event". These scars are the most mind racking and giving me the most anxiety. Emotional scars are what I seem to have the most of. I have these constant reminders in my head of everything I've gone through. Seeing my mom die and gasp for her last breath of air was probably the most damaging to me. Every night since my mom had died I have had the same reoccurring dream sometime throughout the night, which is watching my mom die. It's the same scenario every time of exactly what happened that dreadful night and that dream has never gone away. That moment in time has scared me the most. I will never ever be able to unlive that moment or unsee it. Emotional scars can really take a toll on you and usually are the causes for a lot of people’s physical scars. There's so many times when I want to just get out of my head so I don't have to deal with my emotional issues.

One thing that both of these scars has taught me at this point in my life is that I am proud of them. They have showed me that I have lived a lot in my life and most importantly I have conquered them. I have made it through alive. I have been brought down, dragged through the mud, but still come up in the end. I have never given up on my life (thought about it) but managed to make it through with my head held high. My scars will always be a reminder that I did it, I'm strong. 

Depression

Depression is nothing that can ever truly be explained. I will never be able to fully describe the feeling that I have when I'm going through a rough patch, which happens to be right now. Sometimes I feel okay and then other times I don't want to get out of bed. Everyday is different.

When mom first died everyday was bad for several years. But over the past few years I've been happier more often, I've chose happiness and to not let things bring me down but to focus on the good things in my life. The past few weeks have been bad though. I'm just feeling depressed an lonely. I'm really missing my family and their support. None of my family lives in Ohio with me anymore except my one Aunt and a few second and third cousins. My Aunt was supposed to come visit me the past two weekends and canceled on me. It hurts because all I want is to see my family. I hate not seeing them, they're the most important thing to me and I hate not seeing them. My dad and brother are who I wish I could see the most. They're the closest things I have to mom and I just want to spend time with them.

Depression can control your life and is hard to break from it. My advice to others when you're feeling this way is to have a day or two where you can feel sad and cry but after that you need to pick yourself up, dust off your shoulders and get back to your life.

Thinking

I haven't posted a blog in a few days because I've been stuck. There's a million things that I could write but I have writers block and don't know how to get the words out on the page.


That's all I've really got. Hopefully i'll be able to come up with something for tomorrow!

Psalm 56:3

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you"

I was never a very religious person before mom died, Mom was Jewish and Dad was Catholic. I celebrated both the Jewish holidays as well as the Catholic. As a kid I thought it was so awesome that I got to celebrate all the holidays. After mom died dad started going to church more often than he did when we were growing up. At first I refused to go with him because I didn't want to go, but as time went on I decided to start going with him. I ended up going every week and I still continue to go almost every week.

I enjoyed being in the Church and hearing the Priest give his sermons every week. I didn't have a connection to every sermon but every once in a while he would give one that was just so powerful and I had a deep connection to. One of my favorite parts of the service was the hymns we would sing. One hymn we sang had Psalm 56:3 in it which was one that stood out to me.

In my time of need whenever I was scared, angry, happy, sad or whatever feeling I knew I could always turn to The Lord and he would help me through whatever it was I was going through.

I trust The Lord and his plan for me.

Blink of an eye

It seemed like it was just a blink of eye before she was gone. Mom was admitted into the hospital at the beginning of April, so she was there for almost two months. It seemed like the time she was in there went by so quick. I just was so focused everyday that maybe this was the day that she was going to come home then before I knew it things had gone down hill quick. A normal day for me while mom was in the hospital started off with me getting up and going to school, my dad would pick me up at the end of the school day and then we would drive to the hospital. The hospital was about 45 minutes away from home. We would get there around 3:15 everyday and then would end up staying until about 9 or 10 PM. Visiting hours were over at 7 PM but the nurses let us stay for an extra few hours to spend time with mom since we couldn't be there during the day. It was a long day because I wouldn't get home until 10-11 PM and I would have to be up for school at 6 AM the next day.

The days were long but passed by so quickly at the time. I would have done anything to get more time with her. I wish I could have spent time with her during the day but unfortunately I had to keep going to school.

Time is so precious, cherish every moment.

Comfort Zone

"A ship is safe in harbor...but that is not what ships are built for". I came across this quote yesterday and I felt like I had a connection with it. Not everyone has an outgoing personality and is willing to try new things at the spur of the moment. I think that it's been really hard for me over the past few years to come out of that comfort zone and try new things. One of my biggest accomplishments with that was by going to college. My freshmen year of college I was super shy and the one person I really hung out with was my brother. Then my sophomore year I started getting more involved with organizations inside my major and outside my major as well. One of the biggest aspects of my college career was being part of the Relay For Life Planning Committee. I got so involved with fighting back against cancer that I eventually became the President of the organization my senior year! This was something huge for me and I look back and I am so proud to have done that and to have had that experience.
The second part of my college career that really brought me out of my shell was being an education major. You can't be an education major and just slide by without being noticed, called on or steeping up in the community. I became and advocate for all of my students that I had throughout the years and I am thankful that I did that for them but for me also.
In high school I was such a shy person, only talked to a select few friends who I knew I could trust and really had trust issues with everyone else. After mom died I didn't have this sense of feeling of wanting to get to know new people or put myself out there in any sort of way.
I look back now and see how much I blossomed in college and am thankful that I was giving such a wonderful opportunity to attend college as well as being thankful for this life.

Boats aren't meant to sit in the harbor, get out there and explore the waters.

Weekends

I would like to try to keep my weekend posts more upbeat and not focusing so much on the past but more of what's happening right now in my life, the present. In the past few years I have tried to always live my life in the present because you never know what's going to happen and when. So I am very thankful that every Sunday I get to have Sunday dinner with my second family. I have always been thankful for my boyfriends family and the way they accept and treat me as one of their own. Sunday dinner and family time is my favorite because we get to sit down, no cell phones allowed, and just talk about anything and everything. I love them so very much,

Sibling

Today as I was spending quality time with my boyfriends family I was having this sudden appreciation for my older brother. He is five years older than me and I am very thankful that I have had him in my life. We don't have a ton of memories growing up since we had such a huge age difference but in our older years we have become extremely close. He is my best friend and the best sibling I could ever ask for. I'm thankful that I will continue to have him throughout my life and be able to share new memories together as well as reminisce about the old memories growing up.

Your sibling is your first best friend.