Reflection

I was listening to the radio while driving to work the other day and I heard a new song. Part of the lyrics caught my attention and gave me the urge to reflect on it.


                            That guy in the windshield looking back looks just like me

But there's a crack in the reflection

Hope he's moving in the right direction.

Sometimes when I'm getting ready in the morning I look at myself in the mirror and wonder if this is who I really am. I tend to reflect upon who I use to be and who I am today. I think about how far I have come and how much I have changed in the years. When I was younger I use to be this super happy go lucky girl who didn't have a problem in the world, then when I hit middle school I started to become depressed for some reason and have all this angst against the world ( teenage years, am I right?). Then high school came around and well you know what happened then. I wish I could go back to when I was in elementary school and have that pure happiness and joy that I had. I know that everyone wishes they could have that again. Once that pureness is broken there becomes a crack in your reflection. It may be one crack or two cracks or more. When I lost mom my whole mirror shattered. You can never put it back together 100% and be perfect again but you can glue some of the pieces back together. It takes time but it's possible. I glued my mirror back together little by little. Once you are moving in the right direction you are able to do so.

Never the same

I will never be the same after losing my mother. I was a completely different person before her death and a completely different person after. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to the person before her death but at that time I was only a child. I was only a teenager who's biggest problem was trying to get a boy to like me. I will never forget my mother and I will never forget what her death did to me. It absolutely destroyed me. I've never been the same happy go lucky person that I use to be. My heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. As I'm getting older in life I seem to be missing her more and more for big moments in my life. Everybody always says that "shes always with you" but she's not. There was a point in my life in which she was gone. That day was May 19th 2007. Over the past 8 years I have never felt her with me. I wish I could say that she was but she's not and that's the saddest part. I will never be over her death, I will continue to grieve until the very day that I die. It's going to be hard at some points following in my life and I wish I could say that I will have the strength but we will have to see when those moments get here.


Today's just one of those days...

Faking It

With the death of someone close to you comes an evil price to pay. One of those evil prices to pay is becoming really good at faking happiness. You start of showing your sadness for a short amount of time but then you have this feeling that you have to fake it. You start thinking about how depressing you've become to be around people and how you don't want to make those around you sad or make them constantly feel like they have to walk on egg shells around you. So the best thing you can do is to fake being happy. When you're out in public and around family and friends you throw on a fake smile and become cheerful but behind closed doors you're a broken mess.

I've become really good at this and I was truly an expert at it for about 6 years. Then I found what I believe is true happiness when I met my boyfriend. When we first started dating I had this scary feeling because I was finding out what it was like to be truly happy and I was starting to put my faking it behind me. I had someone to open up to without judgement, I could cry in front of him and he was okay with that. I was finally starting to become what everyone had always been around me. I was finally becoming me and who my mom wanted me to be.

I'm still incredibly happy to this day, the real happy, but there are still times occasionally when I find myself faking it and that's what scares me. I don't want to go back to those dark days when I had to lie and fake being happy around people.  

I think this is how my mom would want me to be. I think she would be so happy to see me the way I am now. I know that she has been looking down over me the past eight years and I know she was probably watching down and just begging for me to be happy. I think she would be proud of who I've become (but that's for another blog post!). I think that she is looking down on all of us and happy that Stephen, Dad and I are all at a good place and happy. 

QVC

My moms favorite thing in the world was shopping on QVC. I remember waking up for school every morning and she had it on the little TV in her bedroom. She was watching to see what the deal of the day was and sometimes ordering right there. I have no idea why she loved it so much but she did. We argued about it sometimes because I would yell at her that she was running the credit card bill up because of her constant buying but looking back it doesn't matter, it made her happy. Right before she died I told her that I would watch it with her after she was gone. I asked her what day was the best day to watch it and she told me Saturday morning. For a year or so I got up on Saturday morning and watched it. I turned on the TV today and saw that Denim & Co was on so I thought I would watch it and I can kind of feel her here with me. I even logged on to her QVC account and saw that she returned a bracelet in December 2006 but I couldn't see any of her other orders.

I miss her so much today.

It's been a little while...

It's been almost a month since I've last posted and I've just been a little busy with life. So for a little update I have been working again. I am a substitute teacher in the local schools so they keep me busy coming in pretty much every day. I took today off so I could just catch up with life and have a little break from screaming grumpy children. This is mainly what's been keeping me busy and honestly sometimes it's a little hard for me to write in the blog because it brings up a lot of emotions. I would like to post something today though,

Although it isn't #TBT (throw back Thursday) I was going through old pictures and MYSPACE (old right?) today and it had me reminiscing about high school. For one good lord was I skinny, like thigh gap and all. I also just saw all these pictures with all my high school friends and it makes me extremely sad that I don't stay in touch with any of them anymore. I mean these people use to be my best friends who I trusted with all my secrets and my life and now it's just gone. Kelley, Jeanette and I use to have the absolute best times together, we were inseparable. Every weekend we were together, all day at school and most of the time after school during the week as well. Our summers were spent together, Christmas and Spring breaks, we were attached at the hip. It all just seems like a faded memory at this point. All of this began to happen when I went off to college, Kelley and Jeanette stayed in the Cleveland area and I went down to Athens. We stayed close my freshmen and sophomore year and then I'm not really sure what happened after that. I guess I just started coming home less and less and it was hard to keep up with long distance friendships.  I think it's time to reconnect because I don't want those memories to go away.

Band Camp 2007

Distance

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and I completely agree. I know it seems like my blog posts are just a lot of quotes that I seem to completely disagree with but it's my blog and I'm going to write what I want.

This quote though I actually believe in and have had some experience with absence. Obviously after mom died I immediately began appreciate what I had now that it was gone and longed to have it back. It was tough for the first few months because I dwelled on this quote all the time and just thought about how much I missed her and how much I would do anything to have her back.

 It was then after my freshmen year of college that my brother moved to Seattle when I had another experience with absence. My brother was always in the same state as me, when I was in high school he was off at college and that was tough but he at least came home sometimes or we could always drive down and visit him. When I realized that he was moving I knew that I wasn't going to see him as much anymore which really broke my heart, and unfortunately I still to this day am lucky if I get to see him once a year.

About a year or two after my brother left for Seattle my dad's plant that he worked at was closing and he ended up being transferred to a new plant in Kansas City. I felt like at this time I was losing a my family because I was the only one that was left here in Ohio. It was heartbreaking and I didn't really know how to handle it all. The one person that was my rock and that I could count and rely on was now gone as well.

Finally this past year my boyfriend got a job about an hour away from where we were currently living and he had to move home with his parents because it was only about 30 minutes away from his home. We were apart for about 3 months and those were some of the toughest months because I was so use to being with him everyday, but we made it work and made it through.


I've had to deal with a lot of permanent loss and temporary loss in my life and I will tell you that it does not get easier each time someone is gone. But I know that when they are gone I appreciate everything they have done for me in the past and makes them want them back that much more. I grow fonder of their qualities and our relationship.

Scars

Scar "A lingering sign of damage or injury, either mental or physical" 

Everybody has their scars both physical and emotional and I feel as though I have a few more than others, or I have different types of scars that those my age have yet to experience. I have many physical and emotional scars. 

Physical Scar “A mark left on the skin after a surface injury or wound has healed". These are the scars that I seem to have the least amount but trust me I still have many. I have daily scars from burning myself on the oven, I have a scar across my chest from cutting which at the time I thought no one would ever see from cutting  the type of scars that happened after mom died. Those scars are some of my biggest regrets. Luckily most of the scars have faded since they were not very deep cuts. Those were my biggest regrets. I was young, I was only 16 and I thought it was the only way that I could escape from the pain. It was a way for me to forget about losing my mom and focus on what was happening right now. I know that my mom would have been so disappointed in me if she ever would have found out, my dad would have been as well. To those who may still do that I urge you not to because what's worse than emotional scars is physical scars. Those you can see on your body from a moment to moment basis. Physical scars cause so much more pain with their constant reminders of the bad times. 

Emotional Scar also known as psychological trauma "a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a severely distressing event". These scars are the most mind racking and giving me the most anxiety. Emotional scars are what I seem to have the most of. I have these constant reminders in my head of everything I've gone through. Seeing my mom die and gasp for her last breath of air was probably the most damaging to me. Every night since my mom had died I have had the same reoccurring dream sometime throughout the night, which is watching my mom die. It's the same scenario every time of exactly what happened that dreadful night and that dream has never gone away. That moment in time has scared me the most. I will never ever be able to unlive that moment or unsee it. Emotional scars can really take a toll on you and usually are the causes for a lot of people’s physical scars. There's so many times when I want to just get out of my head so I don't have to deal with my emotional issues.

One thing that both of these scars has taught me at this point in my life is that I am proud of them. They have showed me that I have lived a lot in my life and most importantly I have conquered them. I have made it through alive. I have been brought down, dragged through the mud, but still come up in the end. I have never given up on my life (thought about it) but managed to make it through with my head held high. My scars will always be a reminder that I did it, I'm strong. 

Depression

Depression is nothing that can ever truly be explained. I will never be able to fully describe the feeling that I have when I'm going through a rough patch, which happens to be right now. Sometimes I feel okay and then other times I don't want to get out of bed. Everyday is different.

When mom first died everyday was bad for several years. But over the past few years I've been happier more often, I've chose happiness and to not let things bring me down but to focus on the good things in my life. The past few weeks have been bad though. I'm just feeling depressed an lonely. I'm really missing my family and their support. None of my family lives in Ohio with me anymore except my one Aunt and a few second and third cousins. My Aunt was supposed to come visit me the past two weekends and canceled on me. It hurts because all I want is to see my family. I hate not seeing them, they're the most important thing to me and I hate not seeing them. My dad and brother are who I wish I could see the most. They're the closest things I have to mom and I just want to spend time with them.

Depression can control your life and is hard to break from it. My advice to others when you're feeling this way is to have a day or two where you can feel sad and cry but after that you need to pick yourself up, dust off your shoulders and get back to your life.

Thinking

I haven't posted a blog in a few days because I've been stuck. There's a million things that I could write but I have writers block and don't know how to get the words out on the page.


That's all I've really got. Hopefully i'll be able to come up with something for tomorrow!

Psalm 56:3

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you"

I was never a very religious person before mom died, Mom was Jewish and Dad was Catholic. I celebrated both the Jewish holidays as well as the Catholic. As a kid I thought it was so awesome that I got to celebrate all the holidays. After mom died dad started going to church more often than he did when we were growing up. At first I refused to go with him because I didn't want to go, but as time went on I decided to start going with him. I ended up going every week and I still continue to go almost every week.

I enjoyed being in the Church and hearing the Priest give his sermons every week. I didn't have a connection to every sermon but every once in a while he would give one that was just so powerful and I had a deep connection to. One of my favorite parts of the service was the hymns we would sing. One hymn we sang had Psalm 56:3 in it which was one that stood out to me.

In my time of need whenever I was scared, angry, happy, sad or whatever feeling I knew I could always turn to The Lord and he would help me through whatever it was I was going through.

I trust The Lord and his plan for me.

Blink of an eye

It seemed like it was just a blink of eye before she was gone. Mom was admitted into the hospital at the beginning of April, so she was there for almost two months. It seemed like the time she was in there went by so quick. I just was so focused everyday that maybe this was the day that she was going to come home then before I knew it things had gone down hill quick. A normal day for me while mom was in the hospital started off with me getting up and going to school, my dad would pick me up at the end of the school day and then we would drive to the hospital. The hospital was about 45 minutes away from home. We would get there around 3:15 everyday and then would end up staying until about 9 or 10 PM. Visiting hours were over at 7 PM but the nurses let us stay for an extra few hours to spend time with mom since we couldn't be there during the day. It was a long day because I wouldn't get home until 10-11 PM and I would have to be up for school at 6 AM the next day.

The days were long but passed by so quickly at the time. I would have done anything to get more time with her. I wish I could have spent time with her during the day but unfortunately I had to keep going to school.

Time is so precious, cherish every moment.

Comfort Zone

"A ship is safe in harbor...but that is not what ships are built for". I came across this quote yesterday and I felt like I had a connection with it. Not everyone has an outgoing personality and is willing to try new things at the spur of the moment. I think that it's been really hard for me over the past few years to come out of that comfort zone and try new things. One of my biggest accomplishments with that was by going to college. My freshmen year of college I was super shy and the one person I really hung out with was my brother. Then my sophomore year I started getting more involved with organizations inside my major and outside my major as well. One of the biggest aspects of my college career was being part of the Relay For Life Planning Committee. I got so involved with fighting back against cancer that I eventually became the President of the organization my senior year! This was something huge for me and I look back and I am so proud to have done that and to have had that experience.
The second part of my college career that really brought me out of my shell was being an education major. You can't be an education major and just slide by without being noticed, called on or steeping up in the community. I became and advocate for all of my students that I had throughout the years and I am thankful that I did that for them but for me also.
In high school I was such a shy person, only talked to a select few friends who I knew I could trust and really had trust issues with everyone else. After mom died I didn't have this sense of feeling of wanting to get to know new people or put myself out there in any sort of way.
I look back now and see how much I blossomed in college and am thankful that I was giving such a wonderful opportunity to attend college as well as being thankful for this life.

Boats aren't meant to sit in the harbor, get out there and explore the waters.

Weekends

I would like to try to keep my weekend posts more upbeat and not focusing so much on the past but more of what's happening right now in my life, the present. In the past few years I have tried to always live my life in the present because you never know what's going to happen and when. So I am very thankful that every Sunday I get to have Sunday dinner with my second family. I have always been thankful for my boyfriends family and the way they accept and treat me as one of their own. Sunday dinner and family time is my favorite because we get to sit down, no cell phones allowed, and just talk about anything and everything. I love them so very much,

Sibling

Today as I was spending quality time with my boyfriends family I was having this sudden appreciation for my older brother. He is five years older than me and I am very thankful that I have had him in my life. We don't have a ton of memories growing up since we had such a huge age difference but in our older years we have become extremely close. He is my best friend and the best sibling I could ever ask for. I'm thankful that I will continue to have him throughout my life and be able to share new memories together as well as reminisce about the old memories growing up.

Your sibling is your first best friend.

Summer Time

Summer time was always my moms favorite time of year. Every chance she got she was laying outside on the patio catching some summer rays. It was always our busy time of the year, summer swim team, softball and baseball games, pool parties, family bbq's, vacations, and sleep overs with our (mine and my brother) best friends. It was truly the happiest time of the year for both me and my mom. The reason why I loved summer so much was because I was out of school and I got to hang out with her all day. She was a stay at home mom so we were very close,

Now as I experience my own summers I catch myself doing my moms' favorite thing, which is laying out in that hot Ohio sun! It makes me happy to be doing her favorite things because I feel as though she is with me in the moment.

Truths

During this grieving process I have had to face a lot of cold hard truths and I find these times some of the most difficult moments. Truths like, my mom won't be there to take me wedding dress shopping, she will never get to meet her grand-kids and help me raise them, she never got to see me graduate for high school and college, she never gets to meet the love of my life. Not only does she not get to experience these moments but I don't get to either.

Sometimes I lay in bed at night and as i'm trying to fall asleep and these realizations pop into my head (of course keeping me from sleeping!) and I just cry. So many people who have been blessed with having their parents through all of these moments wouldn't even think twice about them not being there. Then there are people like me who have lost one of their parents and it's all we think about. It hurts. I get so jealous and angry with those who have not lost, not that I want anyone to lose someone but I just will never understand why it had to be me. I will never understand why because the only person who I believe knows is God.

I'm lucky to have been blessed with family and family friends who I know will help me get through these moments when they arrive. Of course it will never ever be the same but I know that it will help to at least have a support system. These are moments that I can never really prepare for but I know that when the time comes I will be okay.

Here Begins My Story

It was my sophomore year in high school, I was in the marching band, had a great core group of friends and family, was a good student, was starting to learn how to drive, I was on top of the world, at least so I thought. It was May 19th 2007 around 11 PM, I had just watched the doctors pull the plugs and saw my mother take her last breath of air. This moment changed my life forever. I have never been the same since then, even 8 years later.

This blog post instead of going into all the details of everything that happened that dreaded year I will reflect on a quote that I've been told since that very dark day. Everyone always tells me "Time Heals Wounds" (hence the name of my blog). I disagree with this quote 100%. At first I believed it because I felt as though I had nothing else to believe in. As the years went on I started believing it less and less. Time does not heal wounds it only teaches us how to live and cope with the pain those wounds have brought onto us. I wish the quote was true and that with time it would all just go away, but unfortunately that's not how life works. It's not time that heals the wounds, it's grief, faith and most importantly realization of the truths.

I decided to start writing this blog in hoping that maybe I will be able to help myself cope and deal with some of the pain. If this blog happens to reach anyone else I hope it will be able to help them relate and know they're not alone.